Welcome to SuKupedia ♥

Hi There,

If you are a regular, you know what to do
Thanks for coming back ♥♥ If you are a first timer, you probably typed '10th wonder of the world' and google landed you here or someone just referred you to the 'most awesome blog'. Whatever the case, you reached the right place
Just click 'Enter' . On your left hand side you will see 'Blog Topics', click the topic you would like to read. On your right hand side you will know how to 'Follow' me and on the top you will see a 'Full Bio-data' of me and my blog, my awards, how to contact me and my community listings So, what are we waiting for 'HIT IT' ♥♥
ENTER

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Engagement - To Break or Not to Break !!!






So I know what an engagement means, but just looked up Wiki... it says it is a promise to marry.. a time period between the proposal and marriage... the courtship time.  Last few months have been full of news for me, few of my dear friends got engaged :)











So there was this one friend who called off her marriage.  She was not very happy the way things turned out between the families after the engagement, so fearing further problems decided not to go ahead with the marriage.  The friend I am talking about is a girl and an Indian.  So now I guess you have calculated what I will be writing about.  Exactly, why is it so difficult to break off engagements?  Few years back my cousin sister called off her engagement in Kerala.  Reason she was not happy about the guy's drinking habit.  Maybe its a small thing for someone but for her since she already came from an alcoholic family, she did not want to take the risk.  But let me tell you it was not at all easy.  Family pressure was just too much.  But finally they gave in.  Well she is now happily married  to someone else :)

Why is it all so difficult for us in India to survive a broken engagement ?  And as I always say I am not a feminist, so I do realise that there is a problem for both boys as well as girls.  Parents are reluctant to marry off their daughters to boys who have a history of broken engagement and vice versa.  At the same time I also agree that the taboo is more for girls in our society.  Sometimes the parents or families or the even the bride and bridegroom themselves feel the need to break off an engagement, but the immediate question "What will people say?" .  Really !! I cannot understand why exactly is the society's opinion so important to decide the fate of your own life.  I wouldn't say the same about marriage, I think you should do everything to keep your marriage together, again not for the society but for the sanctity of it.  

But engagement is a period of courtship, you get to know your would be spouse better, his or her family better.  And if one thinks that in the long term it is not worthwhile to be in that relationship then should the fear of society stop you from taking a decision ?  Society is important, the collective and collaborative thoughts for the progress of human kind is necessary, but the phrase 'progress of human kind' is noteworthy.  If these rules or laws are going to interfere with the progress of an individual then how are they supposed to be good ?   Is it because we come from a Collectivist society ?

Fear of rejection is more in a collectivist society than in an individualistic society.   I fail to understand why a collectivist society cannot respect an individual choice.  In simple mathematics, happy individual = happy family = happy society, so finally happy individual = happy family.  Hence if as per definition the goal of a collectivist society is a happy society then happy individual is an integral part of that goal.  

Coming back to our 'Broken engagement' issue, why is it an individual who takes a decision not to create an unhappy family, and eventually an unhappy society, regarded as a shame and rejected, instead of being applauded and respected?  And the main concern, of getting a marriage proposal again, is something that gets me bonkers.  Here is a person who is level headed and has clear thoughts about marriage, knows what he or she wants, why wouldn't someone marry such a person ?  Calling off a marriage is not really a good news, and lets face it, its not easy for either parties.  It is sad that dreams are broken and something which would have been a lifetime has been so short lived.  But it is certainly better than breaking off after marriage, where then a lot more emotions are at stake.  

In my opinion, breaking off any kind of relationship is not the ideal thing.  You should not only give everything you have but also anything you don't have.  This statement surely comes from personal experiences, where I feel I have been too naive to just give up, instead I could have tried harder.  But having said that, if your decision is based because of the fear of a society rejection, then you are thinking on the wrong platform.  A society that will come for your marriage, eat, drink and merry, and incase you break a troubled marriage  will not only label you but also condemn you is not a parameter worth thinking while taking a life changing decision.  It is only you and your family who would be suffering, so if you got to decide against those sufferings before you reach the altar, then it is entirely your choice.  You go ahead and make your choice because you want to make it, forget the society.  According to me society is like a flowing river, it is made up of people and thoughts that keep coming in and out all the time.  Nothing is stable so they will forget all about it, and if they don't appreciate their memory and move on. 

Oscar Wilde said "Society exists only as a mental concept; in the real world there are only individuals." 





29 comments:

  1. I agree with you! I (obivously) don't know about the culture in India because I am from America, but even here there is a strong hesitance from breaking off the engagement. I think you should try as hard as you can to make the relationship work, and that you should know enough about the person before you get engaged that you don't have to break it off. At the same time though, I would rather someone break off an engagement then to get married and get divorced later.

    Just my opinion...
    <3- Kathryn

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank u for visiting and following Kathryn. hope to see u here often. Totally agree with what u said thanks for sharing your opinion :) :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi Sunita,
    a very insightful post indeed. like you say it is better to break off before marriage than suffer a painful relationship and then divorce. engagement is a "trial period" and even if you get one wrong "signal" (like the drinking habit you quoted) you must take it seriously.
    Keep Writing
    Vikram

    ReplyDelete
  4. yes Vikramji, that is what I think but the society makes such a big deal out of it, sad to see people ruining their lives because of this. Thank u for visiting and I appreciate ur following :) :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Reminds me of my ex. I promised her a lot of things when I didn't know many things about her. We're all like that. We like to be romantic. When i broke up, a few days back, it was because I couldn't take it anymore. Now I won't mention the reasons as they are personal.
    What happened after was she kept crying for days and kept asking me to come good on my promises.

    That's the problem with India. You have to propose your love to someone to get to know her. IF you don't know her, how can you promise your love, but no all relationships start with I love you. No dating, no making out, no sex before that. Say the words and that's when it starts. Arranged marriages are the big brother of the above-mentioned phenomenon.
    You have to pledge your life to someone you didn't even know a month back. You don't really get to know her. Anytime you two meet, its in presence of both your parents when you can't talk or do much. Then comes the engagement, only after this do you get to spend time alone with her.

    And then when you finally get to know him or her BOO HOO HOO, its already done. You've pledged the rest of your life. You have to marry her. Wtf is that!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Slaith ya maybe thats how it is in India, but what about the individualistic societies where it is more open? Even there marriages and engagements break !! So is it the society or an individual perception of the relationship ?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Real problem lies in over interference of so called "Society" not only in broken engagement, but in every field of life, i can give one more eg; isnt so called "Society" one of the many reason why thousand of student sucide in todays world? And yet we never miss a chance to criticize western society n culture!!
    Anyway Well written,
    Dr Kenit

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dr Kenit, thanks for visiting & reading. Totally agree to your comment.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Why are you not a feminist? A feminist is someone who thinks women and men are equal and deserve the same treatment and choice. Do you think women are not equal to men and are inferior to them?

    ReplyDelete
  10. hi Anonymous.. welcome to Sukupedia :).. Yes I am not a feminist because I do believe in female rights but at the same time I also very strongly believe in the male rights, so am not sure if feminist is the term used for such a person :) :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. am not sure if this will help me in any way. But thanks for this post. I am in trouble now. Whatever you mentioned in the post is a real fact. Its better to break before marriage than after to avoid the family drama. But in our place (Kerala), its really difficult for a girl to get any good relation once an engagement is broken.

    ReplyDelete
  12. @Arjun: glad u found this post helpful.. it is better not to let the society rule over your life in such situations.. and yes it is true that it is more difficult for a gal but you will be surprised how many boys also have problems once their engagements are broken...I feel it is better not to get engaged and get married directly...

    ReplyDelete
  13. Watevr u feel is exactly right. M facin such condn whr m getin engaged forcefuly due to society nd evn my family. Its cndn terific

    ReplyDelete
  14. @Anonymous that's sad.. I hope u are able to do something about it

    ReplyDelete
  15. Why do you say "I am not a feminist, so I do realise that there is a problem for both boys as well as girls"?
    Being a feminist means believing men and women have equal rights. It is not just women who are feminists, men who believe that are feminists too. :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. @shail.. yes initially i had thought feminist was a person who fought only for female rights...

    ReplyDelete
  17. i dint find any wrong thngs in tht guy bt there's lyk a generation gap, gap of 7 yrs...we are jst 2 diff personalities afta marriage i totally hv to give up abt wht i thnk...
    Ppl wil thnk lyk there was no reason simply she had affaire wid sm1 so she called off...let them thnk hell out of dem, m nt gng to marry,

    ReplyDelete
  18. I got engaged on oct 2012, marriage is fixed on feb 15th. after engagemenet v didn't get along well, i want to stop the marriage. my parents r not ready to listen to me. he doesn't want to stop the marriage. I am freaking out.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I got engaged to a girl in july12 and wedding was supposed to be feb13. It was a long distance relationship. We had met twice and chatted online before our engagement. After engagement we mostly spoke on phone or online. After 3 actual meetings, she decided to breakup, she told me all the reasons for it, mostly it had to do with differences between us and some of my weaknesses. At first I was absolutely shocked. I urged her that we should try to solve our differences and I will improve myself. She agreed to wait for some time, but later it couldn't work out. We broke off with a lot of pain to our parents, who were also obviously shocked. We both are mature enough not to act under society pressure. I want to mention here that it takes a lot of guts for an Indian girl, to take such a decision, and I respect her for this. For me, this episode was so painful, that I am still unable to get over it, not because of societal reasons, but because I had fallen in love with her. But I respect her decision and will definitely move on one day.
    I would suggest ppl who want to marry, please take your time before fixing your engagement. Meet personally many times, understand each other's compatibility, ask yourself whether you want to spend your whole life with this person. Its better to break the engagement, than marry and then divorce. Likewise, better not get engaged, than break off the engagement....
    Vivek

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good decision Vivek.. better to prevent a tragic marriage.. hope everything works out for you well... I am sorry for the late reply

      Delete
  20. I totally agree with you sunitha..hi i am a 22 yr old gal who was supposed to be married on 29th of dis month and I just called of my engagement coz the boy had no personal life interest ...and his family behaviour towards my family was not gud...so I decided dat I cannot spend the rest of my life with him and his family coz he only listens to his parents and tells me to only calm down..

    ReplyDelete
  21. I have been going through the same in my life these days. I got engaged to a girl a month back. When our marriage was fixed we started talking to each other over phone for half hour or so daily. After 4-5 days of talking i came to realise that the girl is very low on confidance, not at all updated with current world. Neither does her education mean anything to her nor she has any future plans for her career or family. She is absloutely clueless about everything and depends on the other person for any simple decision. The reason I later came understand was her family background. She hardly speaks while we talk. Our discussion is just a Q&A session and never a conversation. When my questions are over we hung up. I have always expected my partner to be expressive & updated. I tried to resist the engagement but couldn't sustain family pressure. I have spoken to my family about this but they get paniced even with the thought of calling of the engagement. I surely can't marry this girl. I am not happy for a single moment since my marriage is fixed, instead under a tremendous mental pressure. Just trying to find some way to convince my family. Hope somehow this works out well. Any suggestions are welcome in this sense.
    Thanks

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am sorry to be replying so late.. looks like I somehow missed this comment.. have you spoken to the gal about your problems with her.. maybe you should talk to her first and see what she has to say before you break up...

      Delete
    2. I haven't talked with her directly calling off the engagement but tried to discuss a lot about my dilemma. But being from from a very orthodox family she is very uncomfortable to even talk about the problems. I Talked to my parents and some close relatives about this but they have straight a way rejected my reasons and very reluctant to take me seriously. Can you suggest something about this? How I should approach? I am mentally very disturbed and not able to concentrate on anything.

      Delete
    3. well then in that case just call a surprise family meeting of the gal and her parents and also your parents and discuss this problem with everyone around... just make sure you don't embarrass the gal or insult her ok

      Delete
  22. Hey.. M jus 20 nd my parents hav seen a guy 4 me. Nd fixed ma rishta wid him... Dy knw i dun like hhim but still being rajputs nd havng dis mentallity dat once we give our words we jus can't step back... Dy knw i dun like hm still dy r continung the toks wid his family nd nw dy r aftr me to get engaged.. I dun want to .. HOw to stop. I jus dun knw. Plz help

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. well.. i wish you had written ur name.. we could take this discussion on mail.. my id is on the page 'Contact'..

      Delete

♥♥ Like it? Dislike it? Debate? Say it...it is always an encouragement ♥♥

Spread Luv ♥ Do Share ♥