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Sunday, September 18, 2011

Letter from a new Mother....

I have always been very thankful to people who follow me or people who comment and also welcome critical questions or comments.  But there are also readers who send me mails probably with the intention not to offend me by posting a negative question or sometimes they seriously want to know something but do not want to reveal their identities.  I personally make it a point to reply to each one.   Few days back I received the below quoted mail from a reader.  With her permission I am posting it here, with a hope that as many of you will reply to her and help her find an answer.  I have a mix of readers here, and it would be also interesting to know what each one of you has to say.  The mail has been edited, but all the parameters for you to analyse her situation and answer is present in here.

...... Dear Sunita (SuKupedia) I came across your post when I was searching something to read on how important is it for new mothers to rest.  I read your article (click here) and thought to myself here is another person who is writing something about some issue without maybe literally helping out someone in trouble.  When I finished reading your article I was happy that you offered a solution to the problem (parenting class for the entire family).  My dear this is just a distant dream, in India this is not something which will happen soon.  (she has mentioned a lot of personal problems here).  I have a few questions here for you, how do you think I should tell my MIL that I can sleep only when the baby sleeps?  What am I supposed to do when she comes and wakes me up everytime a guest comes to meet the new mother and baby?  Should I shoo the guests away or should I fight with my MIL, because talking to her does not help, it ends up in an argument.  Relationship between me and my husband has strained a lot because of this.  I am stressed because of this motherhood not really sure should I be enjoying this?  I hope you are not someone who just writes a blog and leaves it but will also answer questions of your readers.

I have written a reply to her, but at the same time asked her if I could post it here and find out what others think of this problem, please share your opinions and views....


  1. Tricky situation... I think the lady should have a straight talk to her husband and make him talk to his mom... Or if the MIL is adamant that the lady be awake everytime a guest comes, then once the baby is up, give the baby to MIL and let the lady take rest.. Maybe then the MIL will understand :)

  2. While your suggestion of parenting classes to take care of the mom is very desirable, we have a long way to go.How do we solve these practical problems till then?

  3. Oh god!..Saas Bahu drama'll exist till the end of time, i guess..poor thing!

  4. Well, it's a difficult situation as in our country DILs are expected to perform and obey. I think she should talk to her husband, hope that helps.

  5. Sunita,
    I can so well relate to this problem.
    New mothers will be suffering from lack of sleep. And the hormonal changes, will make them emotional and tetchy too.
    But, they should put down their legs and say, I am sleeping and please take care of the baby.
    No other way I guess!

  6. I can sense the complex and difficult situation...

    I guess since she already tried to talk to her mother-in-law but it resulted in arguments always, confrontation might not be a solution. Though if the sasumaa was sensible enough she would also take care. But she seems like too happy and proud at the new baby and doesn't want to offend the visitors with missing the chance to meet the baby and new-mother. (Even we won't feel happy if we don't get to meet the baby and mother, if we visit their place first time after birth). So I think the solution would be to "surrender" and tolerate all the hassles that comes with it as "part of the package". As they taught in the Art of Living course, "anything that you resist, persists".

    After she would surrender and would meet the visitors, tolerating the discomfort, may be Sasuma will also show some empathy. Even if she doesn't, tolerating is the best solution. Even at my workplace I consciously tolerate my colleagues, to avoid making my life sour.

  7. Sunita, i so know what your reader is going through.
    i have been there & back. in fact, i even wrote about it in bits & piece in two of my posts:
    the THIRD papa from the post

    Dear UK,

    for me there was NO ONE. my MIL didn't even visit the hospital when the first grandchild of the first son of the house was born so expecting any kind of help/understanding/care was totally out of the question. My husband didn't either because
    he wasn't ready for a baby & actually didn't want a child ever.
    but even though i have been in a situation worse than yours, i still have no solution for it.
    all i can say is,i know how it feels

  8. Oh! very pity situation. She has not provided much detail. She will have to balance the change came in her life. Her husband should co-operate with her.

    A child-birth is a bundle of responsibilities , it should be shared by both of the parents. The couple should consult their own parents also for guidance. But, I still worry about child future.. May god bless them.

  9. I think more than MIL the father of the child needs to own the situation.

    The father of the child should pitch in and ensure the mother gets complete rest and sleep, she is the one who is recovering.

    MILs never understand, it's a simple fact.

  10. Life is not a bed of roses, and every challenge should be met. This situation is sadly faced everywhere.
    My advice would be to not to be too overtly protective to the child, and take it a little easy. mil, learn to be indifferent, and let go. no unwarranted tantrums.
    life passes along. too much stress wears one out. take it cool.
    learn to delegate work, trust,

  11. Hey Sunita :
    Tough post, and a very tough situation indeed. Fortunately I never faced any problems like this one, so no actual solutions from my side, if the family members are being completely unreasonable, one's hope is just the husband, and hopefully he loves her enough to care about her, other than that I dunno what will work...

    I am grateful to god for a loving and understanding family support...My sympathies are with the young lady... :-(

  12. Its very much true that life wont give all the ease that we desire. This ease may revolve around the things that we want, about the sweetness in relationships that we prefer. Every time things dont come out the way we think them to be. And when we try to look for molding the affected parts and to mend up the shortcomings, following the practical approach may seem to be difficult to adopt at first. Because every time we try to implement them, we seldom get quick result. Consequently we start to believe that may be things can never be changed, preaching is far better than showing them practically. But this is not always true. Whenever a change is sought, we have to dethrone very thorn that might come up in our way. She is going through probably one such situation. May be hard at first, but slowly things should sort out. As nobody can be much closer to her than her husband, she should talk with him about this. I pray things to turn good for her. But yes, a message for her; she must not give up.

  13. Thank u all u guys for ur comments...talking to the husband seems to be a solution...will be sending all this to UK and if I get a response will post it :) :)


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