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Wednesday, December 14, 2011

In Love with Death

The first time I sat on a merry-go-round I was 16.  Yes, till then I have never, never done that stunt O_O.. very scared obviously.  The first time I sat, it was with my sister, and as it started rolling, I was praying... Oh God, Oh God, Oh God.. and the pitch of my voice went higher and higher each time I chanted.. I had a feeling my stomach was in my mouth.  My sister on the other hand had closed her eyes and holding the bar tight without a word.  And then she suddenly said, "Will you shut up?".  I got mad and told her, "What for you.. I am yet to write my board exams and most importantly I am not even married, what if I die yaar?".  "If you die, good for the boy you would marry, woh to bach jayega (he will be saved)".  Yes me and my sister were fighting in the mid air.  


This is not about our fights.  Was just trying to say that everytime something bad was about to happen, I would always think I have something or the other left to do.  Too much in love with my family, friends and all my possessions of books and other things.  It was as though if death ever came to me I would ask for more and more time to spend here on earth.  Its a usual scene if I am crossing a road and some vehicle screehes in front, then I would heave a sigh and think, "Thank God I did not die or else I would have missed doing.......... (whatever at that time is in my head)".   It happened again this morning as I was returning from my gym.  I was crossing the road and a scooter guy just brushed past me, and in usual routine, I started thinking..."Thank God that guy did not hit me...otherwise ....".  Suddenly I went blank....

There was nothing.  Otherwise what ?? nothing came to my mind.  Did I not have any wishes to be fulfilled, anything to do, anything to achieve??? And then I realised, NO... I had nothing more...Suddenly this morning I realised that I was at a very calm point in my life.  A point where I don't want anything and my heart is not pining for something.  The family and friends whom I love and will always love will still live without me.  I used to think earlier what will happen if I die, how will my parents and siblings live, how will their lives move on?? But today I felt that all that was not true, whether you are there or not none of their lives will stop for me.  I know they will move on.  Everybody is selfish when it comes to love.  Parents love their kids till their kids are obeidient.  The minute the children make their decisions (which in most cases would be better than what parents have decided) parents start feeling the detachment.  Siblings whom you grow up with, whom you protect, they will be attached only till they have their own families.  Friends too .. each one has a reason why they love you... No love seems to selfless...Even kids love you according to their convenience and needs...

I have a large in-laws family.  Each one super special in my opinion.  Very loving and welcoming.  But I don't know if they love me as a person.  If they would love me and everything that is attached to me.. or do they love me only because I am their son's wife...will they still love me if I do not remain his wife.. I am not sure... Me as an individual do they care.. I don't know.. Except that of my husband.  A man who loves me the way I am.. the way I will be.. with my past which he knows and with my future which he is not sure of.  He loves me just as I am... every time he looks at me and tells me he just wants me to happy.. I know he means it.. every word of it.. Have not had anyone.. absolutely anyone so far in my life love me so selflessly without any expectations or demands of change...He is just him.. My God's greatest gift to me.. and today on this earth the only person I care about...because everyone else whom I thought needed my love and care or attention made choices and I was not their choice...He did  not.. he chose me always .. for the past 5 years.. his choice knowingly was me... despite me being me....

This morning as death was all over my mind and heart... I realised that I was not scared anymore.. I just wanted to fly... and then something thrilled me.. the thought of death excited me.. I thought death would infact be the begining of a new journey.. a journey where I will wait for the arrival of my Lord.. the sheer anticipation of meeting God made me want to die... as though nothing was going to hold me to this earth anymore.. I have had it all here... from love to hatred everything.. I guess.. don't need anything more... just happy.. very happy...at this point in my life... 

I don't know why I am writing this.. maybe hormones.. maybe I am missing Ritchie.. don't know what.. maybe I want this day to be noted .. I want my loved ones to know that if ever I am gone, then I was happy to leave.  I had no more worries, had no more dreams, nothing more to achieve.  I have seen love the way I never have....probably the only thing I needed.. and now it seems like the dream has been fulfilled... may sound selfish...but now I feel I am actually having an extra-marital affair with death...totally in love with death.....


28 comments:

  1. somewhere I read once .... death cannot kill what never dies :)

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  2. My god, this post went from one point to another both varyingly different in their beauty.

    I was never afraid of death and never had too many things to do...but don't know if I would be able to embrace it with such ease when it actually comes. and i do not agree on the fact that the only person to miss you is the spouse-it is the parents for they have seen you from your day 1-they put their lives on a hold for you...their life comes to a halt when they realize many many years of just sitting around a tree and nurturing it has been rudely cut off...

    Life partners move on-they marry again...unless we are separated with our spouses in old age. it is then the loss is hardest to bear...

    i loved the transition in your thought process and glad that you want to fly-but don't tempt the flight to come too soon...you have miles and milestones yet to go by:-)

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  3. I don't think I am the right kind of person to be the first to comment on a post with such depth and feeling, but to keep it short and sweet, this was really beautiful..

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  4. hmmmm this is the first time you have touched an abstract topic, haven't you? and yet with that touch of Suku we know so well by now. from humor in the first few paras to the sublime in the last, you took me along

    "happy to leave" i think that is a great state to be in
    death - to not hate it or love it or fear it or dread it but to be at peace with it, to accept it is a rare thing

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  5. I agree with the first comment..death cannot kill what never dies...

    On a serious note, I think it is a combination of hormones and staying away from him. Cheer up. One thing which touched me in this post is when you said you are having extra martial affair with death. So profound and gives me the feeling when I feel all alone.

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  6. Have a child. You will come back and tell us about a whole new experience - attachment that you have never felt before. It might change at some point in time too but it's something that is totally different from all that you have mentioned here. :)

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  7. I read the whole post 3-4 times, then i read lines that made me thinking for another 5-6 times. Struck a chord with many things. Realization that our loved ones will move on once we are gone was obnoxious in the beginning, then when the truth sunk in, I could connect with it completely.

    I really think the reason why you wrote is this cos you miss your hubby. Go back to him soon.:)

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  8. O my God!!!!!! Sunita I have read all your thoughts with great interest, but this one has really touched my heart. I agree with Suruchi that it is our parents who will feel the absence or emptiness if we have to LEAVE before them. Even after the death of a near one, life goes on & things do not change to a great extent. The cycle of life has to go on & on. But why are you in such a mood dear??? You have a long list of things to be accomplished before you think about such a topic. Yet to see your great grand children, have cock & bull fights with your husband & not to forget tease him in his old age. Long way to go dear. God bless you & have a beautiful life ahead.. Take care…

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  9. @ orchestra: that's a beautiful line

    @ Suruchi & Deepa: guys u got it wrong.. i never said that my husband will miss me more.. i said his was the only selfless love i have...but don't worry gals i am not going anywhere soon.. wrote this in some moment :) :)

    @ Rahul: gald u find it beautiful :) :)

    @ SuJu: u absolutely got it gal :) :)

    @ Saru: yeah i guess so.. neways he will join me soon here :) :)

    @ Bharat: i guess so.. but currently this is the state i am in.. completely blissful :) :)

    @ Jane: ha yaar.. guess i am missing him.. :) :)

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  10. As I read through your post, I was thinking, your brain works like a just-freed rabbit :-D
    Hopping from one topic to another.
    Death.. Easy to talk about, but when we come really close to it. Nothing as bad as that reality.. Emotional ho gayi kya? :D

    And your hubby is making your life.. Not death :P
    Call the dates soon. You are missing him..

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  11. Kya yaar! Poora din I wasted, I could have read you :| Next time, I will read Suku first.

    Guess what, I am where you are :) I wouldn't mind if I die today and I used to say so in college, "Kya yaar abhi to meri shadi bhi nahi hui hai,abhi se kaise mar jayun" <3

    Same is the case with Saurabh too...He chose me....despite of all my weird behavioral patterns...

    And, may be you are missing him :)

    BTW---something gone crazy with your template :'(

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  12. Stay in this blissful state forever.Will not comment on the death part,that is your way to express (with an extreme phenomena),your state of being in a state of complete contentment with your own self.Enjoy this as this is experienced by very few chosen ones..it is a gift!:)

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  13. Nice to know that u r in a position where you are content with life! But what are the chances (not to be a kill joy here, but...) that you will feel the same 2 years later? What about tomorrow? Hell, do you even feel the same way right now? It is human nature to be attached to things, there is nothing wrong with that, is there? I dont feel so!!!

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  14. Very well written... But I feel that u might be content today and yet feel incomplete the next moment... So never ever say that I am happy to die right now!!! U will never know what you missed, right?

    On a lighter note, India is screwing with sum1's head! haha!!! Go back to poor Ritchie!!! And be safe... :)

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  15. @ Phatichar: :) :)

    @ Sahana: ha guess the hormones were all over the place :) :)..but i loved the feeling though :)

    @ Bluntu: am flattered :) :) so u get na how i felt <3 <3 <3..

    @ Sharmila: love u for that comment .. :) :)

    @ Nikhil: yes u r right there is no guarantee of this feeling.. that is why i was talking about that particular moment...:) :)

    @ John: mone venda venda..chechi has got some super ideas that she will transfer to Jane and then u will regret pulling my leg buuhahahaha

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  16. I'm so glad you're happy at this point in your life. Very few people will be able to say the same thing. I am personally not ready for death. I feel like I have a lot left to do. Or it's probably because I'm never content.

    PS - Thank you for your wonderful comments on my blog. Sorry about the late reply. I was on vacation and just got back this morning :)

    Gayatri

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  17. मृत्यु एक रहस्य है. कई बार हमें इसके बारे में कई अलग तरह के विचार आते हैं. और मजेदार बात ये है कि समय के साथ हमारे विचार बदलते हैं. एक मिनट या घंटे के बाद भी हम अलग महसूस करते हैं और इस बारे में विचार बादल जाते हैं.

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  18. This was a beautiful article that you wrote Sunita. I totally relate with everything that you said here. I think it was mystic as I hadn't had time earlier to catch up with your writing for a bit. Sorry! But I'm glad this was the one that was present when I came here. I to can say that I don't mind leaving this world now. It's been a good life and I gave it my best. And that's what matters in the end. Cheers!:-)

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  19. You know, Even I was in the habit of thinking of what I would have missed in such situations. And Nice to know that you've almost achieved and got what you wished for that you aren't worried about death. I should tell you ,Not everyone would be able to say this. Even at 90s, people would still have regrets for not being able to do something. So Bless you. Touchwood :-)

    And in a way, We shouldn't be scared of Death, it is not the end of life, at least for us. It is the beginning of another life, probably!

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  20. I think that you have a feeling of contentment at this point of your life; that's quite rare and I hope it lasts.

    Why have an 'affair' with death, in this state of contentment? Why not just flirt with it?

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  21. @ Gayatri: welcome to SuKupedia :) :) glad u liked the post :)

    @ Neeraj: :)

    @ Rahul: ek dum sahi kaha but even so many days after writing this post i still feel the same :)

    @ Rohan: ya seems like u were busy :) :).. glad u liked the post

    @ Ashwini: absolutely said :) :)

    @ Syed Ali: ha thats not a bad idea either.. flirting is good :) :)

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  22. I gotta say this..:P you have what others spend life looking for, contentment. Thats so cool !!

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  23. U r one lucky gal coz you have someone who loves you unconditionally. I dont think I can say the same, in fact many of us cannot. I think my mom loves me selflessly but I dont know that for sure :)... How can you think of death, Suku when you have a sweet husband like Ritchie?

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  24. @ Manu: every one has it ya at some point or the other in their lives..its just that we don't realise it and keep looking for more :D :D

    @ Prasanna: thx gal :) :)... na its just that if it happens i am ok with it :)

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  25. @Suku Thats human nature suku. We want what isn't ours right now ignoring what is, and almost all the time miss 'em, when what haves become have nots.

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